Thanks Chrys for getting me started

The lovely Miss Linebarger has me thinking now, and I shall rant on my own page, as I have taken up enough of hers.

Now to preface the original question was something to the extent of why are non - Chrisitans more accepting the Christians?

I don't know. Really there's no acceptable answer to justify it, but I suppose I have some reasons.

We lost focus. The Pharisees focused on the law, and achievements, they were talented gifted people, clean as could be, few could live up to their standards, many felt looked down upon and oppressed by them. Does anyone know how hard it is to be a Rabbi??? Seriously they were devout people, though misguided, and you know what for all their hard work, their sacrifice, their cleanliness, Jesus rewarded them with this praise " You brood of vipers!", and he berated them constantly as having missed it.

The 12 and the big J on the other hand, they were mocked by the "holy ones", Jesus was accused of being a wine guzzler and a glutton! They were bad people, or so they appearance seemed! These are not the sort us good church goers would hang out with! Man, you look back through all the Bible, none of the men fit the standards churches hold for so many! None of us really do either, sure there's the statistical abnormality, the exception to the rule, but that's all they are! They are not the mold, the mold was Jesus! Jesus saw a need and He met it!

How about just feeding a homeless hungry man becasue it's a good thing to do? How about visiting him/ her on a regular basis with the agenda of love and friendship, and not conversion. How about we approach himwith no agenda at and with the possible humilty to believe, HE MAY BE BETTER OFF THAN OURSELVES!

Next 420, go hang out someone people while they blaze! Next friday night, go chill with people getting plastered. If you were Jesus, you might have a glass of wine with them! ( Watch out people may start calling you a wine guzzler!). Get outside your damn bubble. The problem with many Christians is they just don't know, they stereotype, they're told by a pastor that this is what life is like, what real people in the real world are like, and followers just believe. Heck I did!

I found some funny things out when I just opened my mind to the possibilty I could be wrong. I mean I really sat and thought about it! I learned more at that time from other, myself and God, than anytime secluded with the "brethren". ( I do not forsake the fellowship, it's just time to break the "Holy Huddle" and let everyone in on the play!). Why did I learn? Because I was open to learn! I sat and wasn't afraid of "will I be overtaken by sin?!?" I did my thing, because I trust God, that which He claimed will never be stripped from His grasp. I figured hey, either He's in control or He's not, no compartamentalizaiton. He's in control, and He will work all things for good.

Bottom line, when I did follow the rules, I was probably better at it than you. I probably prayed more, fasted longer, sacrificed greater, and put myself through more than many of you could dream! However, that was as much to my benefit ( as I learned it was pointless), as my telling God, " I can't be who you want me to be, but I can't deny you, you leave me alone, and I will never claim affiliation with you, because I am a failure." to when I realized: I will never be any closer to God than I am now. I will never be any further from God than I am now.

...(God) Even when we were dead in our offenses, made us alive together with Chrsit ( by grace you ahve been saved) And raised us up together with HIM and seated US, together with Him in the heavenlies in Christ Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith, AND THIS NOT OF YOURSELVES; it is the gift of God.

Ephesians 2:4-6

But if, while seeking to be justified in Christ, we ourselves also have been found sinners, is Christ then a minister of sin? Absolutely not!

...I do not nullify the grace of God; for if righteousness is through the law, then Christ died for nothing.

Galatians 2:16 - 21

Forget the law, forget the rules and the bondage of self restraint, it is pointless, useless! ( I can hear the many ready to jump at me even now about the self restraint, lol). Trust God, that all things are working for the good, and you will walk through valleys and dark times. The focus is not on what you can do, for there is really nothing, the focus should be how do I learn to listen to God better today than yesterday. How can I act out what I know God is speaking to me?

You know you just might piss off some Pharisees, "ahem" I mean Christians "cough", I mean people. Jesus pissed off a lot of people.

Now don't take this out of context, everyone wants to point out, well I never had to do this to know I didn't need to do it... Please for God's sake shut up and reread what you're saying, you're focusing on what you haven't done, the fact is there are things you have done, we've ALL done something, and a lot of things. It's about being okay with the fact we all have skeletons in the closet, and before it's all said and done, we'll toss a few more in there, until we realize there's nothing we have to be ashamed of. We are all merely trying learn to walk this God thing out. Stop trying to do what God has already done, sanctified and purified you, start trying to listen to the one who has been trying to get your attention for so long. Chrsit died so we don't have to pay attention to the other crap, just Him.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Even Superman has his Kryptonite Current mood: uncomfortable   So I am looking at where my life is right now, and it's good. Messy, but good. I realize in this season of my life I am bound to be frustrated and confused, and in my own way, I am being crippled, like Superman and Kryptonite. I am still reeling from the rejection issue, and it's cool, God's dealing with it, but this is my greatest weakness. I can do so much for so long, but alas when rejection hits me, I fall apart comepletely. As I am sure most people do. Now, I am not new to dealing with this rejection issue, we've gone a round before. I laugh because, other issues that I though were going to be so hard literally toppled over when God got a hold of them, and I thought they were impossible to defeat. Here I am before a mountain again, and well, this makes the last one look like a foothill. Now I can go into detail about where the rejection issue is rooted, and if you read quite often, you probably already know. I'll give you a short synopsis. First I always felt I had to perform for affection as a child. I performed well, and thus it continued a cycle of reinforcement that has led to my detriment, but God is reworking it. The second, I was always the best friend, never the boyfriend. The rejection there started with my crush in 7th grade repeatedly shooting me down. This situation ( with different gals) occured throughout high school and even now. I have dated some great gals, but the ones I have wanted most have always eluded me. Thus, I learned not to pursue them. ( Now lately, God has restored my courage to go out and try again, but man, it's scary!) Now basically, I have always maintained a perception of control. Due to some strengths and gifts, I am able to manage my life pretty well, even through storms. I am at this moment a brave coward. I take leaps of faith with God, just not in this area. I have no problem speaking into people's lives, leading worship, preaching, teaching, anything. Yet, because those things are now easy(ier), they no longer stretch me. God wants more from me than a brave coward. He wants a mighty man of valor. Thus, we must move on from here to a deeper refining process. It is beyond me, yet if we wish to go places we've never been, we have to be willing to let God take us farther than we're willing or able to go. This place where I am is the exact place I told God I didn't want to be. I feel like a baby bird. I am awkward, ugly, and I can't fly. I want to fly, now! But I can't. (not yet at least) This is the worst kind of rejection, rejection of self. I faced some of the things that God wanted me to, I learned that He doesn't reject me, and I am not rejectable. I learned this back when I wrote Strength in Weakness. Yet, now I am facing the deepest parts of this rejection and it hurts and it's hard. My mind knows how beautiful God has made me, and that I am an amazing man, but my heart, this is where the darkness lies... You are not good enough Anthony. People only love you for what you can do for them. Has anyone loved you when you were down? ( There are places where key people and groups tried to kill me off, rather than lend a hand that this stems from.). You're the best friend because you are ugly. You're too skinny( too fat, not muscular enough), too short, basically you look like every other Mexican, you don't stand out. You're not special. The special people are chosen, you've never been chosen. You are too emotionally, and you're not smart enough to conquer your emotions. You don't have enough money, you're 26 without an education. You failed so many people so many times, because you are not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. You are weak... Now those things have sat inside me, along with so many others that are stronger than words, they are just horrendous feelings. The can be descibed as no other word than pain. God has allotted me a certain amount of grace that has allowed me to function very well, up until now. Then He unloaded on me. Everything I touched appeared to be broken or tainted. I would strive to make things right and they came out wrong. All my safety nets, being able to think, to hear God for things about myself, about others, gone. I was left out in the middle of the ocean, and the waves were over taking me. " And if I could just see You, everything would be alright. If I could just see You, this darkness would turn to light. And I would walk on water, and you would catch me, if I fall, and I could get lost inside your eyes, and everything will be alright." Storm -- Lifehouse For years I was a Superman, I carried the world upon these small shoulders, but that was before, now I am weak, but in my weakness Hos strength is made perfect. I will trust Him, as my life falls more and more out of (my) control. The more I try the more I fail, because God will not allow me to define myself by my performance. I am amazing, and my abilities are awesome, but they are not me. I am a lover, and I am loved. That is who I am. I will face these fears, deeper and darker than I have ever faced, and God will give me the victory, but I may be a bloody mess before it's all over, I'm a bloody mess right now.

Monday, August 14, 2006

If you're wondering... Current mood: excited Yes something is going on right now, but I'm not sure how to say it. Things are ( as we have come to the conclusion) "clear as mud". Yet, I am utterly impressed with a young lady, and I can't put to words how amazing she is. I don't want to put her on the spot, and if you think you know, please don't put her on the spot. Just a matter of respect, for both of us. Right now we have a beautiful friendship, and God is either going to work the bond into a relationship, or I know that I have one of the most amazing people I know as my best friend. I am in a win - win situation. It's as I've always said, you never get second best with God. I want to take the focus off that however, and onto what God is doing. God is making me confront fear. I don't think I could have imagined how much fear I had in my life, until He made me face it. It's one of those things I would have never agreed to had I known before hand, but so glad God did, because He knows the desires of my heart better than I do. I am learning that I can never hurt people so badly that God cannot heal them. I am learning that the man Anthony is just as lovely as the minister and the friend, though at times I feel he's underdeveloped. I also know though that I am my harshest critic. In the end, I realize I just don't know. I am in a spot where I have to trust God. It's fun and exciting, but it also brings up a lot of insecurities. I realize that I don't find myself in many ways acceptable as a companion, and God is finally healing that. It's been far too long. I also realize that I am not a burden. At least, not in the negative connotation I percieve myself to be. I deserve to be loved, and to allow myself to be real and vulnerable. ( I know I talk about those things a lot, but sometimes I try to be perfect for everyone and God just tells me to stop.) I deserve to let be lifted up by my brothers and sisters sometimes. I am not the guy who depends on others too much, I'm the guy who doesn't depend on others enough. I am also learning to give my heart in a whole new way, not as minister Anthony, but real Anthony. Minister Anthony always tries to make things better for the other person, even when it costs him dearly. Real Anthony speaks out the deep things of his heart, truthfully, yet still in love, and understands at times it will be ugly... and beautiful. I am finally trusting myself to be real and be accepted, even when it doesn't sound beautiful and flowery. I am able to tust myself more as a man to speak the things that are really going on. I am willing to struggle with and through things with people, knowing that I will never give up.Trusting that others will not give up on me. However, I also know in relationship I cannot fight for both of us, I have to know that they will give their best as well. I realize the gift of having two people who -- instead of asserting their own rights and what they deserve -- lay them down ( their rights) for each other, and love through the hurt and the pain. I see courage in whole new ways as I see myself and others face their fears. Even though sometimes we can't see it ourselves, I have seen courage and bravery in finally releasing things that have too long been pent up. I see heros in the ones who battle through pain, and yet still choose to love. Who's hearts are still soft, where others have put up impenetrable walls. I see beauty in layers deeper than ever. In those who would serve me in this group, when I least desire it, or expect it... when I am weak.  The beauty of a body that can love a part of itself back to health. I have seen the beauty in watching others wash each other's feet, and even washing my own. To know that someone desires to serve and love me to a greater capacity than I them... I have seen many things this Summer, and this but a small glimpse. I am excited for all the future holds, for I know that Jesus holds my future. I cannot perfect myself, yet I see that God is truly being faithful to complete the good works He began in me. God's grace is a powerful thing. If beauty be in the eye of the beholder, than I wish you could see through my eyes, all the the beauty that sits before me...

Adjusting to a 9 hour time difference...
Current mood: awake

Getting back home and into the routine of things... hmm... well not exactly but home. I have so many things to contemplate, and yet life is still pretty simple, I'm determined to find joy in life, and trust that God does really work all things for good.

As most of you read I got pretty jacked on my cruise. I'm doing what I can to get things going, but in reality it's slow goings, and well, life is hectic. I am completely jacked up sleeping wise, thus the reason I am blogging at 5AM in the morning.

Well, I have two topics to hit I suppose, which will I allow myself to rattle on about first. Perhaps I will go with, fear. I find that I and fear have many battles, and it appears, fear is not wanting to admit defeat easily. However, I love it. I am being molded more and more into the man I truly feel God wants me to be. I was so bound by fear for most of my life, that now if I sense it in any aspect, I am eager to confront it. I had it described to me as "I am afraid of fear.".

There is definately validity to that statement, but it is much more. Facing my fears is such asource of excitement in my life. It keeps me on my toes, and each new challenge offers me the opportunity to trust God that much more. I realize that there is an exhilaration in conquering that which seemed insurmountable.

In some ways I can see why people enjoy mountain climbing, however, I find that a cheap imitation of seizing life. I love what I do, and in all reality who gives a damn about a mountain!?! I am conquering things that someday will allow me to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend. Now those mountains to me are of everlasting value, they mountains many men(or women) ever climb, and they are of far more value to me.

I have so much on my plate at times, and many people struggle with the paradox that is me. I am far from your average Christian, which I love! I am so different from what the church says Christians should look like. Which is wonderful because much of what churches say Christians should look like sounds nothing like Christ to me. Christ was and is love, and to be honest if there is one thing I am, I am love.

 It's wonderful, facing my fears has allowed me the freedom to be who I am today and love that person. There are many things God has yet to do, but that's His job, I'm just loving Him and loving life. In the mean time I trust whatever He does with the Carnival situation, His name be glorified. Though to be honest I hope no other human being goes through it.

Do I still have fears, yeah, however, they're being knocked down daily. Am I worried about any thing, nah, God has me exactly where He wants me, and though it was not His will for me to be beaten, He will use this for my good, and His glory. It's amazing really.

In all of this I feel I have only been more solidified, rather than shaken. I know that even bodily won't deter me from loving. I am not shaken, but rather I have been through sifting, and am finding all that happened was wheat was seperated from chaff.

I'm not sure how much of all this makes any sense to anyone, it is late/early, but I just needed to get my thoughts out. So that being done I will close with this:

I may never know to the degrees of impact I have had in this life, only that my impact will resonate far beyond my days, in ways I could never begin to comprehend. To this end I am commited, and by my very nature I am destined to this end to fulfill. I am called to love, and there is no greater change, than the issuance of love. It changes lives, it offers light, it creates new legacies. It is ingrained in me as deeply as any genetic code in my DNA. Perfect love casts out all fear, and though I am not yet perfect, what really have I to be afraid of? Even in my death --  to whatever end that may be -- my impact has already forever been made.

Anthony Guerra

07/21/2006